| (no subject) |
[Jul. 23rd, 2008|11:50 am] |
Since my last update, a lot in my life has been changing. I quit at Borders and began working at Chili's. And starting today, I'll be doing pizza delivery for Me 'N Ed's. But most importantly, about 15 minutes ago, I applied for college.
For me, this is huge, and it's my one ticket out of this paycheck-to-paycheck lifestyle I've been living. I don't have any information yet, but enrollment begins August 18th. I'll be going to one of the local community colleges, Ohlone. From what I hear, it's the only college around here worth attending.
I plan to work really hard these next four years. I convinced myself that I deserved to relax after high school, but I really didn't. Graduation was the beginning of the rest of my life, not my life goal. I never "deserve" to relax, I have to earn that right and I haven't earned it yet. I have no money, no education, and no direction. I need to work hard now so I can relax later.
Janet and I sat down and made some goals. We broke it down by time, i.e. 1-3 month goals, 4-6 month goals, 1-2 year goals, 3-5 year goals, 6-10 year goals, stuff like that. It really helped me to see where I am today, and where I want to be at certain points of my life. We even went so far as to plan our days! On that note, I have to go study Spanish, so I'll see you later livejournal. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 15th, 2008|12:05 am] |
my boss is a fucking bitch. but i guess that's the case for everybody. my first day at chili's is tomorrow so maybe things will be better there.
i usually don't let little things get to me too much, but tonight, i'm feeling weighted down. the car needs all kinds of work, which janet and i simply can't afford. but the longer i put it off, the more that goes wrong. and the more expensive it becomes. this is a big part of my motivation behind getting a second job. i just want to start working on it before it's too late.
and next month, the registration on our car expires so we'll have to get california plates. this has been a long time coming and i'd be looking forward to it, except it's going to cost $500 dollars, at least, and obviously i don't have that.
part of me wants to ask my mother for help because i know she would. i haven't asked her for help or anything in months, but i hate it every time i have to turn to her to bail me out. i've been really irresponsible and all i'm doing is passing my problems along. my parents won't be around to help me always, and i don't know what i'll do then.
i try to make a budget but it's so hard to budget realistically and have anything left over when you're only making about 1,000 dollars a month between the two of us. there are a lot of bills we don't have to pay, and we're so lucky for that, but it still doesn't mean i can coast by working 20 hours a week anymore. no matter how badly i wish i could. i don't like making grown up decisions, but living out here, i have nobody else to make them for me.
i'm really stressed out right now, about everything. i know i just have to stay calm, though. i'll feel better in the morning. i know that. but this is all still the truth, and maybe i shouldn't feel better in the morning, maybe i should do all of the things that i've been putting off:
1. get california plates
2. call a mechanic
3. have a conversation with my manager at border's
4. call my mom
5. do laundry
6. clean my room
7. go to college
8. start my savings
9. start my life
10. argh |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2008|02:46 am] |
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oh and janet and i briefly lost another movie we rented, there will be blood. but we found it a few days later, sitting in utterly plain sight. of course. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 17th, 2008|04:43 pm] |
we've been having some really beautiful weather lately as summer approaches.
i love to spend time in our backyard when it's nice outside. it feels like i have a lot of privacy, even if i really don't. today i just sat around with janet and dante while she read her book. it's really relaxing and quiet, somehow. even though we're in the middle of one of the largest cities in the bay area. i guess i have sprawl to thank for that.
today when i was driving janet to work, we came across an accident involving an 18-wheeler and a passenger car. i guess the 18-wheeler and the other car collided while they were taking a left turn. it looked pretty rough for the other car, haha. i'd be terrified.
speaking of cars, janet and i still need california plates for ours. i checked and it's going to be almost 500 dollars, though. :( no wonder i've been putting it off...
i need to get our car fixed too. there's something wrong with it and it just doesn't sound good sometimes, like when i'm taking tight turns and stuff. that's probably another 200 right there.
cars! i don't make enough money for this shit.
i miss maine. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 1st, 2007|08:40 pm] |
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i think i have some kind of unquenchable thirst for adventure. is this just the burden of being male? |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 20th, 2007|03:27 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | fremont, ca | ] |
| [ | music |
| | david dondero, "i see the love" | ] |
i don't feel like things are getting worse, but they definitely go back and forth. i feel like we don't understand eachother. you're sitting right there and i don't even feel like i can tell you any of this. i feel terrible for getting angry but it's just so hard to stay calm when our conversations feel so helpless and pointless. i would do anything to make you happy but if we can't communicate then i can't do anything except make things worse..
i'm just...really sad about all of this. i'm trying not to show it though. i guess this may kind of give it away.
i made a new journal because i wanted to believe i was past all of this stupid shit, but maybe i'm not. or maybe i just can't get away from all of this. it's just me, i guess.
so i finally did it. after retreating to maine, janet and i packed our bags again and moved to california. we drove cross-country. we drove though new hampshire, massachusetts, connecticut, new york. we drove through pennsylvania and ohio and indiana and illinois. iowa, nebraska, wyoming. utah. nevada. we saw forests and deserts and mountains and basins. the atlantic and the pacific. we crossed the mississippi and saw more corn than anyone ever needs to. we drove on roads so straight and long they went on forever. and finally we arrived. and we got jobs and we're getting settled in. and. here we are. hello, san francisco.
i don't know. i work at panera bread now and it's pretty ok. some things could be better.
and i really, really love janet. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 28th, 2007|11:39 am] |
ok, i'm back in maine. hey maine.
working at shaw's again. this time at 8 dollars an hour. i'm pretty pumped, i start on monday.
i'll be a produce clerk so if any of you happen to be in biddeford, maybe i can hook you up with some celery. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 7th, 2007|04:47 am] |
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5Nf-IPADRw
it's my big tv debut.
also, i'm going to be back in maine for about two months in a few days. surprise! ha ha ha.
and i'm in california right now.
and i have been for the past two weeks.
i guess i should probably update a little more. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|05:40 am] |
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so in case anyone cares, my new job is identical to my old job. i bag shit and push carts. yep, i have a bright future. i start tomorrow. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|02:27 am] |
I GOT A JOOOBBBBBBBBBB |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 15th, 2007|09:28 pm] |
you always hurt the ones you love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 14th, 2007|10:56 am] |
so i was thinking last night about how many famous people live, or at least record, within miles of me. it's a little surreal, being from maine.
yeah, that's all. i woke up 2 hours ago and can't sleep. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 12th, 2007|05:25 am] |
today i was the sickest i've been in years. i was so sick that i could hardly move.
i don't know if it's cold medicine or my immune system but i feel a lot better now. hopefully tomorrow it'll be over.
but i made janet sick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 10th, 2007|01:05 am] |
there's glass all over our floor. i stepped on a piece earlier and nearly bled to death. seriously.
and i can't sleep. haha |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|11:57 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | Frank Sinatra - Fly Me To The Moon | ] |
i'm the only person here still awake.
i have a lot on my mind, and my best option is to just shut up.
i don't feel like i should bottle it up inside, but every other option just makes it harder on everybody.
i've been coming to terms with something about myself: i'm kind of melodramatic. i dont really even think about it, it's just how i am. i wonder what sadness is to other people. i wonder if i experience sadness differently than other people. for me, sadness is the loneliest feeling. it's the feeling that nobody else is with you. and i need to know that i'm not alone.
i'm scared all the time. that i'm alone. what's a true friend to me? what am i to the people around me?
i don't open up to people. because when you open up, that's when you're the most vulnerable.
i'm such a hypocrite. but at least i try to change. at least i try to better myself. and i know i'm better than i used to be. it just takes time.
i'm growing up and everything is rushing at me all at once and suddenly i'm living in atlanta and suddenly i'm 20 and suddenly i'm living with janet and suddenly my parents are 1200 miles away and i haven't had time to really just sit down and breathe.
and i'm coming down with a cold. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2006|10:31 pm] |
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tonight is going to suck. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 30th, 2006|08:29 pm] |
i miss the coast.
i miss lighthouses.
i'm doing okay in atlanta, but it's really easy to get nostalgic about that stuff. i'm searching for images of portland and auburn on google and just thinking back to when i was there. and all the memories i have there.
those memories will never change, but everything else has. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|07:29 pm] |
man, i love my dad. i really miss him. it sucks that he's so far away. he's weird and he can't communicate but he's such a great guy. i don't regret moving or anything, but it's so sad to leave him behind.
janet got a job and she's at work right now. i'm still looking, but this is a really shitty time of the year to find jobs. at least jobs that are attainable by me. which sucks, because i really need one. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 22nd, 2006|07:26 pm] |
paying bills is stressful.
will we have enough money?
ahhhh
christmas is a really terrible time of year to move out on your own. not only do you not have your family, everybody expects you to buy them gifts. i haven't really found a steady job yet. janet has and is at work right now. we should make rent but it'll be tight. and it just kind of sucks. haha.
merry christmas. |
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kifreak's journal